Children In Bonus Families: What You Should Know

Every year, around 25,000 marriages end in divorce in Sweden, according to the Statistics Sweden. With these statistics, we are facing an increasingly common phenomenon in society: children in bonus families.

Children ibonus families

Most people who divorce want to start a new relationship sooner or later. But the chances are high that one of the two, or both, has children with previous partners. Things get more complicated when they also have children together in addition to those they already have from previous relationships.

Thus, this gives rise to what are called bonus families or mixed families, where children live with a parent, their new partner and probably also this partner’s children.

The situation can be difficult for children to handle. Whether or not they adapt to the new situation depends on how they handled their parents’ separation.

If the separation was handled mature and the adults did not involve the children in their problems, it will be much easier for them to adapt to their parents’ later decisions. But if both parents or one of them did not really understand the situation, the children can go through this new experience with anxiety.

Possible difficulties for children in bonus families

• The younger the children, the easier it will be for them to adapt to the new situation. They will most likely accept their mother’s or father’s new life. On the contrary, one of the most difficult periods is usually between the ages of 10 and 14. During this period, it is very possible that the children will find the new situation problematic and complicated. They may not understand the role of the parent’s new partner. It is common for them to say, ” You do not rule over me ” or ” You are not my mother .” But after the age of 15, teenagers become more independent. It does not affect them as much if they have a good relationship with their families or not.

• If their parents did not end the relationship in a mature and friendly way, it is likely that it will make them feel bad to be with their new family. They may feel guilty and even lie to a parent to avoid hurting his or her feelings. Children want their parents to be happy. A child can accept the new family only if both parents have agreed on the separation. Otherwise, they end up in a very difficult situation, because they then consider the new partner as a rival.
  
• If the new partner has children:  First of all, you need to see if the children agree. The best way may be to let them meet each other sporadically, help them build a friendship and gradually introduce them to the idea of ​​their parents’ romantic relationship. Jealousy can arise between them. If the couple decides to live with their children, remember that the children come from two different families, who have probably had very different rules, traditions and habits.

• The birth of a new child together:  In the event that the couple has a new child, it is very important that the other children do not feel forgotten, as the new child gets both his father and mother under the same roof, and it can create jealousy. On the other hand, the birth of a common sibling can help strengthen family ties.
• Attempting to recreate a nuclear family: This is a mistake because a bonus family can never function as a nuclear family, and hoping for it will only lead to frustration.

Tips for improving coexistence with children in bonus families

• Space and time. It is important for the children to have their own space in the new family, both as a physical space and space to be with their parents. A good recommendation is to both try to spend time alone with your children and do activities with them, and spend time with the whole bonus family. It is important to find a balance so that no one feels left out. Your new partner should also nurture their relationship with your children, build a friendship and gain their trust.

• Patience. Each child has their own rhythm – for some it will be easier to adapt, while others will have a harder time. You have to be patient and give them time. According to experts, the most difficult age for a child is to adjust to a new family between the ages of 10 and 14.
• Involve all family members. In a reconstituted family, it is important that all members feel seen and important. That is why it is important to do activities together. Also to share responsibilities, agree on rules and allocate space and time for everyone.

• Rules. Children will experience very different routines, habits and preferences in the new family. What is normal in one family may be strange in another. Therefore, it is very important to establish rules for how you want to live together in the new family. These rules must be determined by the new family members, so that everyone can feel heard and accepted. Although it is good if both parents maintain similar routines, the rules do not have to be the same in the different homes. Children can learn to understand that every home has different rules. The important thing is that the children know what is expected of them in each individual situation so that they do not get confused.

• Set boundaries. Do not be afraid to set boundaries. Many parents feel bad because they feel that the situation is already quite difficult for the children. They are afraid that if they set boundaries, their children will turn against them.

It is a huge change for children to find themselves in a new family. But the adaptation will be much easier for everyone, both children and adults, if you take these points into account.

Also, do not forget that the new family will never function as a nuclear family. Because it is not a nuclear family. Try to let go of these expectations of what a “normal” family should look like. Then you avoid many frustrations and make everything much easier for everyone involved.